is your mom at the bar?
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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