just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
