Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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