sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
