just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
