Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
