kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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