he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
