i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
