a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
