maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
