just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
