What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I need moral support for this bender
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
