I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
