I will die if light touches me.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Randomize
