I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize