This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Randomize
