can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Randomize
