I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Randomize
