mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
