Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Randomize
