dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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