I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
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