I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
