um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
