You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Someone came in the potted fern
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Randomize