New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
