so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
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