New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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