tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
