I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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