my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
