i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
