I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
