Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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