Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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