Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Randomize
