Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
