I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
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