why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
