My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
