All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize