just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
