Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Randomize