pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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