she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
