All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
