someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
You don't make any sense
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