What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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