she woke up with a sticky ear
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I think your dad took our porno
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
