I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Randomize
