Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
