flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
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