Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
There's always time for handjobs
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Randomize