his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
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