Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Randomize
