Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
My pussy is not your playground.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
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