Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
