Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
