I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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